The truth will set you free, but first it will tick you off.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Fairy tales are horror stories to get children used to reality.

Always remember to pillage and rape BEFORE you burn.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Don't force it, get a larger hammer.

Herblock's Law: If it's good, they will stop making it.

History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

Mediocrity thrives on standardization.

Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Money can't buy happiness -- but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.