|Life Is Like A Dog
DOG PROPERTY LAWS
- If I like it, it's mine.
- If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
- If I can take it from you, it's mine.
- If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
- If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
- If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
- If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
- If I saw it first, it's mine.
- If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
- If it's broken, it's yours.
HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME
- Both take up too much space on the bed.
- Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
- Both mark their territory.
- Neither tells you what's bothering them.
- The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
- Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
- Neither does any dishes.
- Both fart shamelessly.
- Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
- Both like dominance games.
- Both are suspicious of the postman.
- Neither understands what you see in cats.
HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
- Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
- Dogs miss you when you're gone.
- Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
- Dogs admit when they're jealous.
- Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
- Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
- You can train a dog.
- Dogs are easy to buy for.
- The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
- Dogs understand what "no" means.
- Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN
- A dog's parents will never visit you.
- A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
- A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
- A dog never expects you to telephone.
- A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
- A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
- A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
- A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
- The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
- A dog does not shop.
LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG
- If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
- Don't go out without ID.
- Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
- Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
- Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
- Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective.
- When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).
- If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.