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"If you don't know where you're going, any bus will do"
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1904
25 Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The 90's
30 Politically Correct Ways To Discuss Someone's Mental Shortcomings
30 Years Difference
Alcohol Warnings
All About Dogs
Automated Call Directing
Basic Truths
Black Testicles
Carlinisms
Celebrity One-Liners
CEO
Did You Know?
Do You Remember?
First Day On The Job
Food Facts
Fun Reflections On Life
Hell Freezes
Hollywood Squares
Investing Key Words
IT Support
Job Interview
Language Quirks
Lent
Life Is Like A Dog
Little Known Facts
Maintaining a Healthy Level of Insanity
Management Lesson
Musings
My Bottle Rocket
New Dictionary Words
New Words for the Next Century
Newspaper Headlines
Oath Of Enlistment
O'Malley
Other Rules Of Life
Pet Diaries
Poor Grandpa
Potty Training
Purina Diet
Quick Thinker
Sayings That Should Be On Buttons
Senior Moments
Serenity
Sex in the Shower
Shake It Off
Shopping
Signs
Small World
Smarter Than Most
Sums
Survivor Show - Texas Style
Ten Cents A Drink
Thank You Letter
The Cat Years
The Christmas Dolly
The Lawyer and The Farmer
The Old Poodle
The Old Rancher
The Value of a Good Drink
The Watch
Things I've Learned From My Children
Things That Make You Go "Hmmm"
Things You Didn't Know
Thoughts For The Day
Useless Information
Watch What You Eat
We Made It!
What Really Happened To The Kursk
Why We REALLY Gain Weight
Words To Live By
Wrong Email Address
You Know You Work For The Government When…
You Know You're In California When…
Automated Call Directing

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons honey, you'll just screw it up.