Friends don't let friends take home ugly men.
---Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
---Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her sh*t.
---Men's Room, LINDA'S Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
---Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
---Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Montana

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
---Women's restroom, DICK'S Last Resort, Dallas, Texas

Watch out for Gay Limbo Dancers
---Inside toilet stall door, Men's restroom

Express Lane: Five beers or less
---Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

You're too good for him.
---Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevics, Beverly Hill, CA

No wonder you always go home alone.
---Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
---Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Beauty is only a light switch away.
---Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
---Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
---Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
---The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
---Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
---Revolution Books, New York, New York

What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
---Men's restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Travel is very educational. I can now say Kaopectate in seven different languages.

Home is where you can say anything you like cause nobody listens to you anyway.

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have had only ten disciples!

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

I have learned there is little difference in husbands/wives; you might as well keep the first.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and The Jerk's.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.

I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where its been."