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|Wednesday, September 23, 2020|
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|The Autobiography of Al Gore
Good afternoon all. I'm Al Gore, and I'd like to tell you a little about myself.
I know a lot about hardship, because I came into this world as a poor black child in a tiny town in the backwoods of Tennessee. I was born in a log cabin that I built with my own hands. I taught myself to read by candlelight and helped support my 16 brothers and sisters by working summers as a deck hand on a Mississippi River steamboat. Frequently we would stop the ship and I would cut and split five cords of wood overnight for the steam engines.
My mother taught me the value of education, so every day, I would walk 5 miles to a one-room schoolhouse. I was a mischievous, fun loving scamp, though I never dreamed that one day, my youthful escapades would serve as the inspiration for "Huckleberry Finn." Back then, we Jewish black folks in the south were second-class citizens. One day, a traveling minister came through town, and I asked him if anyone was ever going to do something to guarantee civil rights for all Americans. Well, I guess I made an impression. You see, the minister's name was Martin Luther King, Jr.
My father was a United States Senator. He once perched me on his knee and said, "Son, if you work hard and listen to your mama, someday you can live in a hotel in Washington, D.C., and go to an exclusive prep school." As a young Hindu boy, these were very valuable lessons. But life of privilege was not for me.
Being Chinese, after getting my high school diploma, I took a job in a hot, dirty textile mill. I was so appalled at the treatment of the workers there that I organized a union. Later, that experience inspired a movie - which is why, to this day, my close friends at the AFL-CIO call me "Norma Rae." When word got out what an 18 year old factory worker had done, Harvard University called and offered me a scholarship. I captained the hockey team to four consecutive national championships, but I also played football and was good enough to win the Heisman Trophy. During my college years, I lived in a housing project and moonlighted writing songs and playing lead guitar for a little rock band. You may have heard of us * The Rolling Stones. I'm the one with the lips.
But there was a war going on, and I felt I had to serve my country. So I enlisted in the U. S. Army and went to Vietnam. I was deeply opposed to the war, but I did my duty as a soldier and came back home with the Medal of Honor and the Croix de Guerre. My battlefield expertise is current requisite reading material for Officers Candidates to this very day. My being a wounded female officer serving in disguise as a journalist was a full time project, but my military knowledge helped save tens of thousands of lives. Many cities in Southeast Asia are named after me to this very day. Statues of me are still commonplace in many official Government buildings in VietNam.
When I got back, I took a long journey across this great land of ours. I've crossed the deserts bare, man, I've breathed the mountain air, man, I've traveled, I've done my share, man, I've been everywhere. I've hunted all the dangerous species of big game in five continents using only a handmade spear or my handmade laser sighted compound bow with a bowstring that was weaved out of the lint in my navel. And the people I met at truck stops and campgrounds and homeless shelters on that journey all said the same thing: "Al, we need you in Washington."
I knew they were right, but first I had to take care of some other business, like building the World Trade Center, finding a low cost, more reliable nuclear weapon trigger design, founding the Audubon Society, doing the clinical research that proved smoking caused cancer, and coming up with the recipe for Mrs. Field's chocolate chip cookies. I was, in fact, the third (still silent) partner of Ben & Jerry with over half of the flavors personally developed by Tipper and me in our own kitchen. My joint project to cure cancer and eliminate world hunger should be wrapped up by the end of the month. My extensive knowledge of arctic sea life also keeps me busy in the research laboratory, but those endangered species need love too! Translating the dead sea scrolls is one of my favorite hobbies, and my current volume is in print in over 73 languages and is being studied in Seminaries worldwide. Being Indian, both Native American and the Mid East kind, this is valuable experience for me. Have towel and Tee Pee, will travel.
Finally, I deferred to the demands of the people of Tennessee and allowed them to elect me to the House of Representatives and the Senate. And then one winter day nearly nine years ago, for no particular reason, I answered the call of the people once again and took the oath of office as Vice President of the United States.
I also invented the Internet. Since then, I've been part of the most successful administration in American history. My friend, Bill Gates has asked me many times why I gave him the ideas of software development and asked for no money. Gosh, it just wouldn't be right! Many times President Bill Clinton has been pondering some grave decision and has asked me what to do. And when I would give him my thoughts, he would invariable say, "Of course. That's brilliant. Why didn't I think of that?"
During the darkest days of the impeachment battles, the President told me he only wished he had listened when I told him to stay away from that dark-haired intern with the big hooters. So after I decided to run for president, I sat down with him and asked if he had any suggestions about how to conduct my campaign. And Bill Clinton gave me a few simple words of advice words I'll never forget. He looked me in the eye and he said, "Al, just tell the truth, it's always worked well for me." Thanks, I'm Al Gore and I want to be your next President. You can trust and believe me.
It's Satire, Folks!