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2004 Election Issue - Social Security
2029 News Headlines
A Short History of the World (according to Conservatives)
Al Gore Goes To Europe
Al Gore In Vietnam
Al Gore Went Down To Florida
Al Gore: Separating Fact from Fiction
At The Oscars
Autobiography: Al Gore
Barocky Road Ice Cream
Bush's Resignation Speech
Cancel My Allowance
Catching Wild Pigs
Democrat or Republican?
Doctor Seuss Goes To Florida
Doctor's Cure for Constipation
Duck Hunting
Economic Lesson in Taxation
Economic Stimulus Payment FAQ
Firearms Refresher Course
Government Service
Hens and Roosters
Hillary's Visit
How Congress Works
How many zeros in a billion?
Hu's On First
Ice Cream Effect
I'm Voting Democrat
It's My Fault
Jack and Bill
Kerry's Job Application
Last Rites
Letter to the President
Liberal vs. Conservative Question
Lincoln-Kennedy Creepy History
Lost Wallet
My Name Is John Kerry
New Truck
New Word For Our Vocabulary
Newsletter From The Boss
Notice of Revocation of Independence
Notice To All Employees
Post Turtle
Redistribution Of Wealth
Sobering Statistic
Thank You, Mr. President
The Ant and the Grasshopper
The Barber
The New National Emblem of the Democratic Party
The Old Man and The Marine
The Rules of Golf: Florida Democrat Style
To Be A Good Democrat
Two Alligators
Washington Dilemma
What Did One Senator Say To The Other Senator?
What'd ya say there, Gee-Dubya?
Where Bush Got His Marching Orders
Who's Smarter?
Worst President In History
My Name Is John Kerry

I am John Kerry. I was against the first Iraq war, I am against the second Iraq war, but I voted for it. Now I'm against it but I was for it.

I support the UN. I'm against terrorism and against the Iraq war. But I voted for the Iraq war. So, I voted against the first war and supported the second war.

Wait... I'm against gay marriage but for gay unions. I support gays but think the SF mayor is wrong. I support gay marriages. No, wait, gay unions. I'm Catholic. Wait, I'm Jewish. My dad was Jewish. But I was raised Catholic. What am I? I don't want to confuse people.

I think abortion is wrong and life begins at conception, but I am for abortions if elected President. But wait, I'm Catholic, and Catholics are pro-life. But I might consider putting pro-life judges in office, but I'm not sure. I do know I voted for a pro-life judge, but I stated that it was a mistake.

I went to Vietnam. But I was against Vietnam. I testified against fellow US troops in Vietnam, threw my medals away and led others to do the same. But I am a war hero. Against the war. I stated I threw my medals away then I threw my ribbons away. I then revealed that I threw my ribbons away but not my medals, then lately I stated that I threw someone else's medals away and never threw anything of mine away. I believe Ribbons and medals aren't the same thing. Medals come with ribbons, so now I believe that ribbons and medals absolutely interchangeable besides the fact that ribbons are cloth and medals are metal.

I said on national television January 21st, 2004 that I "would repeal" the Health Care policy of George W. Bush, but on August 11th, 2004 I told Nevada residents that I would not repeal it, but rather "change it." Health Care costs are high, but my VP candidate has made a career out of suing: medical malpractice.

I voted to cut the CIA budget, but if elected Commander-in-Chief I will increase their budget.

I wrote a book that pictured the US flag upside-down on its cover. But now I fly and campaign in a plane with a large flag right-side up on it. But sometimes, we fly upside-down for fun.

Asser Arafat is a hero and a statesman. The Israelis shouldn't kill Palestinian terrorists, but they should stop terrorism. Yasser Arafat is a terrorist supporter. I support Mideast peace. Don't ask me about Iran. My chief campaign fund raiser is from Iran and supports the Iranian government. Many of the terrorist insurgents in Iraq come from Iran. Don't ask me about Iran.

I am for the common man, unlike Bush. I am against the rich. But my family is worth 700 million dollars has a jet and many SUVs. I am the common man.

I am against sending jobs overseas. My wife is the Heinz heir. Heinz has most of its factories offshore. I am against rewarding companies for exporting jobs as long as it is not Heinz.

I own $1 million in Walmart stock. I believe Walmart is evil by driving small business owners out of town. I am a capitalist and I own part of Walmart but I am a good guy for small corporate America. I own SUVs when I talk to my followers in Detroit, MI.

Teresa owns SUVs, I don't, when I talk to tree hugging followers. I have a campaign jet that gets 1/3 mpg, which is great fuel efficiency. John Edwards and I each ordered a Ford Hybrid SUV.

I am against making military service an issue in presidential elections. I defended a draft dodger Clinton and stated that all serve in their own capacity whether they draft dodge or not.

Did I mention, I served in Vietnam and am a hero? Are you questioning my patriotism? I served in Vietnam. My opponent didn't. I have three purple hearts! I am a hero. I am qualified to run this country since I served. Those other Swift boat guys didn't serve with me. We were in the same unit but they didn't serve with me. Even my commanding officer didn't serve WITH me. So that makes me qualified to run this country. Now you know exactly where I stand.

Don't you?

I am John Kerry.