- No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
- When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
- If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
- You can't trust a dog to watch your food.
- Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a Tic-Tac.
- Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
- You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
- Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
- Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
- Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
- If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
- Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn that held its ground.
- My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
- One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
- God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever.