"If you don't know where you're going, any bus will do"
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|Monday, January 20, 2020|
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The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content.
I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shit head's.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?