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President's "Adopt a Detainee" Program

Dear Liberal:

Thank you for your recent whiney letter criticizing the treatment of the Taliban and El Quieda detainees being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

As part of the Administration's Liberal Re-training Program, you'll be pleased to learn that the Administration has decided to place one detainee under your exclusive care. Your detainee is scheduled to be delivered to your personal residence on Monday.

The detainee is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you strongly recommended in your letter of admonishment. It will be necessary that you hire your own caretakers. We will also conduct weekly inspections, of course, to assure that your detainee is actually being cared for in the manner you personally prescribed.

His meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest using menus that do not require utensils. While he does bite, the rabies test was negative, although he does have a bad case of body lice that we haven't completely remedied.

Although he is sociopathic and very psychotic, we do welcome your promised efforts to overcome that "attitudinal problem" with your promised counseling and home schooling.

He's extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or light bulb. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these proficiencies at your next bridge party.

He also has the ability to make a variety of lethal bombs from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, notwithstanding that it may conflict with your moral values or disrupt your maid's daily routine.

Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee's cage. "Does not play well with others".

Your detainee generally bathes quarterly, with the change of seasons, assuming that it rains, and washes his clothes simultaneously. That should help with your water bill.

Be assured, your detainee absolutely loves pets of all kinds, but is especially fond of cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted, but will eat them prepared in just about any manner.

You take good care of our detainee, now.

George W. Bush